Spring Into Love

Spring is a time when people turn toward love, but couples often are confused by what love is. Love comes in many forms. For example, Jesus loved the world, so He willingly died on a cross. He took on the world’s sins and pain. Mothers and fathers love their children and bond with them. The love experienced between marriage partners and couples is another form.

New relationships are exciting and wonderful, but they can fall apart if couples don’t understand what love is or what it means for them. My Marriage Manual helps couples understand love. The book defines love and the context of marriage and relationships.

Acceptance

Infatuation may be blind, but genuine, mature love really does see the imperfections in the beloved. It simply “bears all things” ( 1 Cor 13:7). It does not maintain a ledger with a list of all the faults in the beloved. This is a critical element in marital love, namely its ability to see the faults and failures of the beloved and to accept that person as is, warts and all.

Power struggles and arguments where each partner tries to prove himself/herself right and the other wrong are signs of a lack of acceptance, i.e., signs of a lack of love. Love means total acceptance of the other person with his/her view points, feelings, preferences, and eccentricities.

Availability

To love at the hour of critical illness or death may mean simply sitting by the side of another person in pain. When a person is grieving, you want to be available, but you don’t have to say anything. In marriage, availability means you need to take time to listen, hearing with the heart and the head. Paying attention to your spouse shows that you believe his or her thoughts and feelings are more important than any other communication surrounding you.

Affection

Just as each human is born with a need for physical nourishment, so we are also born with a hunger for emotional nourishment. Furthermore, there is a strong connection between our emotions and our body. There is a skin hunger and a stomach hunger in every new born child. We see the same need expressed when little chicks huddle under the mother hen or when puppies play together. It is one of the greater pleasures of love to give and receive affection, to hold the hand of an elderly bedridden aunt, to hug a friend, to romp on the floor with a child, to kiss a sweetheart, or cuddle with a spouse.

Action

Love is the power that forces the sleepy, bone-tired mother at 3:00 a.m. to go to her baby when she hears the cry. It is the power that moves a Samaritan to stop and help a Jew, the Samaritan’s historic enemy. It is the power that opens the pocket books of those who have much to give to those who have little. It is also the power of those who have little to give all that they have, like the poor widow, who out of her poverty gave her two small coins, “everything she had, all she had to live on” (Mk 12:43).

When couples decide to marry, they promise to love each other, which proves love is more than a feeling. We can not promise a feeling, but we can promise to do an act whether we feel it or not. We promise to love at all times, not just the good.

Love is all of this — acceptance, availability, affection, and action — and more, a truly splendored thing.

Keep Your New Year’s Resolutions

Every year, Americans make resolutions to improve their lives for the better. Some are easy to keep while others are a challenge for people. For example, people who vow to quit smoking might have a difficult time.

Couples should make an effort to keep their resolution to have a happier marriage. Reading My Marriage Manual is a good place to begin to keep the resolution. Here are some other options for couples for new year resolutions and happier marriages.

1. Volunteer throughout the year together. Although people want to help others during Christmas season, many of these organizations need help throughout the year. Couples can build their respect for each other and help those less fortunate by volunteering together for causes they both favor.
2. Cook together for date night. Although eating Chinese food and watching a movie on the couch could be nice, it would add pounds. You could make your date night special by finding healthy recipes and cooking together. Then, you could eat it and walk briefly after dinner. If you have not ever done date night, try adding it.
3. Exercise together. Often, people don’t keep their weight-loss resolutions and goals because they don’t want to be alone when they exercise. Couples who exercise together share a bond and shed pounds. They encourage each other and get healthy together.
4. Get intimate. Busy lives often mean that intimacy takes a back seat. You should make sexual acts a priority. Find the time to reconnect with your partner in some way. If the sex has become routine, put some energy into figuring out how to make it exciting again. Try a new position, try role-playing or do it somewhere other than the bedroom.
5. Avoid conflicts. My book talks about being a skunk and a turtle when dealing with arguments. Find out how to communicate with your spouse effectively. You have to listen attentively to have a happy marriage. You also want to avoid those small backbiting comments can erode the foundation of your relationship over time. Pick your battles. When you sense a fight coming, ask whether it is important enough to disturb the peace in the household.
6. Strive for emotional honesty. I talk about this issue of communication in my book too. You want to use words, such as “I feel …” instead of “You make me feel …” You also don’t want to discredit those feelings of your spouse. After all, blaming each other causes nothing but woes for both. Talk about the negative feelings and let them go.
7. Turn off technology. Don’t let computers, tablets, smart phones and television sets come between you and your spouse. Schedule time with all electronics in the off position to sit and discuss family issues. This advice also works for parents and children.
8. Don’t take spouse for granted. Often, we treat our spouse differently from our friends. We believe they are with us for the long term. We tend to take them for granted. Take action to change this behavior but remember that these behaviors don’t change overnight. Keep going and soon the changes will be come routine.
9. Listen attentively. When your spouse is talking, sit near him or her and listen to his or her tale. Ask questions. Active listening is one of the best things you can do for your marriage. Although it is a difficult skill to learn, it is worth the effort.
10. Focus on the good. Praise often. Thank your spouse. Criticize less. Think about reasons why you married your partner and continually let him or her know.

Although these resolutions are meant for couples, other relationships can benefit from these resolutions. For example, many of the ideas can help parents have better relationships with children and colleagues get along with co-workers. If your relationships need help repairing, you can talk with a therapist who is willing to mend fractured relationships and healing the brokenhearted.